The Cupid Apocalypse
by The Nosewalkers
Summary: When the Enterprise accidentally encounters Cupid, the ancient god, the lines between love, obsession, and madness blur. Will Spock survive the insane affections vested upon him? Will anyone survive giving their insane affections to Spock? How did Chekov get locked in a closet? What was in those goddamn cupcakes anyway? Spock/Everyone, with a hint of Spirk.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER**** - Sadly, (though luckily for the franchise) we are not the creators of Star Trek. **

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Spock stood on the bridge of the Enterprise, his ears perky, his long eyelashes fluttering, and his uniform as blue and tight as ever. He surveyed all around him and was pleased: everything was in order, everyone was at work, just as things should be.

Suddenly, an arrow made of cupcakes flew out of the main screen. A siren started wailing its infernal cry of "Red Alert! Red Alert!" as the arrow hit Spock in the face and he collapsed facedown on the ground. Kirk leapt from his chair with a loud cry; everyone was extremely confused about what had happened. Uhura came rushing onto the bridge yelling, "Is he dead, Jim?" as everyone clustered around murmuring, worried about their science officer.

Kirk waved them back and leaned over his dear friend, frowning. He carefully turned Spock onto his back. There didn't seem to be any blood. "No, not this time, I think," he said. "We need to find out what happened before we come to any real conclusions. Someone call Bones, I'll take him to the-"

He was interrupted by a stream of projectile vomit streaming from Spock's mouth as he regurgitated the cupcakes that had landed in his mouth, soaking Kirk in the process. Kirk jumped upright, complaining, "God! This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen him do, and I've seen him during pon farr. Someone clean up in here!" He pulled off a cupcake that had stuck to his face and marched off towards the lab to have it analyzed.

As Jim walked through the corridors of the Enterprise, he felt the strangest feeling come over him. He stopped in his tracks and frowned. He decided it was nothing and started walking again. As he walked on, his skin flushed, his heart began to beat faster than he had ever felt it before, and his mind was filled with beautiful images of his pointy-eared science officer's globular butt. He broke into a run, skidding into the lab panting, "Bones! Help! I'm going nuts here!"

McCoy looked up from a Tribble he was dissecting. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"Spock's glorious buttocks!" yelled Kirk in desperation as a vision of said buttocks danced before his eyes.

McCoy said, "Well, you seem to have gone crazy. I'm going to knock you out with this hammer and watch your brainwaves dance while you dream about that pointy-eared, green-blooded hobgoblin. Then maybe I can figure out the problem." He knocked out Kirk and began to hook him up to several dangerous-looking machines.

As he was sticking an electrode on Kirk's wrist, he noticed that the Captain's hand was clenched around something. He pried open Kirk's hand and lifted up a soggy lime-green cupcake. "What in the world-" he whispered.

Then, he suddenly seized up. His mouth fell open. Visions of Spock parading around in a bikini filled his mind.

It was too beautiful for him. McCoy fainted.

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**What in the world is happening to the Enterprise? Read on!**

**If you review mine, I can review yours in exchange! Just tell me which story you want me to read, and I'll do it. Because I love you more than Kirk loves Spock's divalicious butt.**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER**** - Sadly, (though luckily for the franchise) we are not the creators of Star Trek.**

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The cupcake-filled vomit slowly seeped into the floor and walls, infecting everyone that touched it. On the bridge the crew were erupting into song, proclaiming Spock to be the most perfect specimen ever to inhabit the Universe.

Spock stirred, roused by the wall of sound that was surrounding him. Seeing the love-crazed crew, he jumped to his feet to try and get them under control. A few officers crowded around him blowing kisses, and wouldn't let him pass. Spock soon had enough. He pulled out his phaser, set it to low power, and decided to stun everyone so he could ask what was going on.

Unfortunately, he underestimated the power of his phaser's "low" setting and accidentally killed a random redshirt. This murder was enough to get everyone's attention. They all surged towards him, reciting garbled love poetry in various different languages.

"What is going on here?" Spock asked the collected crew. No one answered, but their irises turned into cartoon hearts at the sound of his voice. They just sat there staring at him, drooling.

Spock was just about to give up and go look for the Captain when hundreds of cupcake arrows started flying into the bridge, sailing through the walls as though they were ghosts. Then, through the ceiling descended a wondrous creature: A huge, muscular man with long flowing hair, a massive manly beard, and a tiny pink loincloth. As he landed elegantly in the captain's chair, it was easy to see that attached to his back were tiny white wings. In his massive hands, he held a little golden bow. He opened his mouth to speak, and all on the bridge turned away from Spock to hear him. "I," he squeaked, "Am Cupid, and I am here to speak with your captain!"

Spock looked around at the drooling, stupefied crew and spoke up. "Most illogical."

Cupid then proceeded to squeal "Spock, I must apologize for all this. I meant to hit the science officer of a nearby ship, but a random gust of pink interstellar wind moved my bow and I hit you. Still, there may be a cure hidden among the old texts in my library! I will go search!" With that he spun around, his pink loincloth dangerously close to falling off, and disappeared into the vacuum of space. Spock could do nothing but stare at the empty seat and the enamored crowd inching forwards toward him.

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**Oh no! What will Spock do? Read on!**

**If you review mine, I can review yours in exchange! Just tell me which story you want me to read, and I'll do it. Because I love you more than everyone loves Spock.**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER**** - Sadly, (though luckily for the franchise) we are not the creators of Star Trek.**

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The crew's insanity quickly increased as they sensed that there was no longer anyone between them and Spock's gorgeous booty. As one mass they crowded forward into his space, all trying to get their hands on him.

Seeing that his butt was in danger, Spock decided to run for it. He leaped over the crowd of hungry-looking crewmembers and dashed down the corridors mumbling, "This is the most illogical situation I've ever been in." He slid around a corner and suddenly found himself face to face with someone familiar. "Chekov?" he panted.

Chekov looked at him, his eyes wide and shiny. "Meester Spock!" he gasped. "I love you!" He jumped on Spock and wrapped his arms around his neck, almost choking him.

Spock tried to shake him off, but couldn't. He sighed and started to jog down the corridor, dragging Chekov after him. He ran to the shuttle bay, hoping to find a shuttle that was empty. There was only one left, so he limped towards it, with Chekov dragging behind him. He climbed into the shuttle and, still dragging Chekov, flew out of the Enterprise and around it, trying to wait until the crew calmed down. He decided something needed to be done with Chekov, so he electrified the walls of the shuttle and shoved Chekov against them, stunning him. Then he stuffed him in a closet and locked it, tossing the key out into space.

Back on the Enterprise, everyone was searching for their beloved Spock and finding no sign of him. Realizing what he had done, they began to tear each other apart so that when he returned they wouldn't have any competition.

Of the crew, Scotty was one of the least affected. He decided to organize the crew and avoid some of the disorderly dismemberment that was occurring by holding gladiator fights in the cargo bay, hoping it would satisfy the crew's jealous need for bloody violence without staining the any more carpets with blood.

The battles waged on, fierce and bloody. Redshirts died by the hundreds, screaming out Spock's name. The walls of the cargo bay were coated with red steaming blood. Over all the carnage stood Scotty, yelling directions and encouragements at all the doomed fighters.

Uhura had stayed on the bridge, visions of Spock paralyzing her there. Eventually she woke up and realized people were killing each other. She joined in eagerly. While murdering redshirts, she came across Sulu, who had been practicing his katana skills on crew members. Their eyes met and both wanted to murder the other. So they began an epic battle to the death with fists only, as it was more honorable. After five straight minutes of fighting, both of them had at least 150 bones broken and were bleeding profusely, but they continued to try and murder each other. After a long and gruesome fight, Uhura finally delivered the death blow, punching Sulu's temple with such great force that he was sent flying into the wall, where he slid to the floor and was still.

Another battle was raging between Nurse Chapel and Scotty. Scotty was a violent storm of rage, destroying everything in his path. He had soon defeated the medical officer and set off to defeat the rest of his crew.

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**Who will win the gladiator fights? Will Spock ever return? Read on!**

**If you review mine, I can review yours in exchange! Just tell me which story you want me to read, and I'll do it. Because I love you more than Scotty loves bloodshed.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry this is late. Life happens sometimes.**

**DISCLAIMER**** - Sadly, (though luckily for the franchise) we are not the creators of Star Trek.**

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As the bloody rampage continued, Spock's shuttle floated around the Enterprise. As the starship's transmitter had been left on, Spock sat there listening to the massacre of all his friends in what he had to admit was probably horror.

Eventually, the noises died down to nothing, and Spock decided it would be safe to return. Carefully, he flew back into the shuttle bay and stepped out. There were several mangled corpses, but no sign of life anywhere around. He explored the Enterprise, his horror growing by the second. "Love..." he murmured. "I always knew it was illogical, but I didn't know it was capable of this."

He began to sort through the corpses, identifying the bodies he knew and building checklists of the dead.

After a week, he was done. As he looked over his lists one last time, though, he had a sudden realization: Kirk and McCoy's bodies were nowhere to be seen.

Spock dashed to the medical bay. By blind luck, Nurse Chapel had locked the door when she had left to murder people. He pulled out his phaser, set it to full power and shot the door. His overstrong phaser blew a hole in the titanium door, while a normal one should have just taken the lock off. He shrugged logically and stepped inside.

In the clean, neat sickbay he saw Kirk lying on the bed strapped to various machines, with McCoy on the floor. Looking over them, he concluded that they were merely unconscious. He decided to stay there and wait for them to wake up.

After a while, he heard noises outside. Odd, since the crew was supposed to be dead. He peeked out and saw that everyone was beginning to punch each other again. "It seems like this simple feeling is stronger than death. Perhaps McCoy should study these magical healing properties." he mused. Then he put the chunk of door back in it's place and welded it with Kirk's phaser, as he didn't trust his own. "That should hold while people realize they're dead and die again." he reasoned.

He sat down to wait. Forty days and forty nights passed. The bodies outside re-died, reanimated, and re-died several times. Spock was getting quite hungry and thirsty by the time McCoy suddenly groaned and began to move.

* * *

**Is McCoy still under the influence of the cupcakes? Will the dead crew find Spock? Read On!**

**If you review mine, I can review yours in exchange! Just tell me which story you want me to read, and I'll do it. Because I love you more than Spock loves logic.**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER**** - Sadly, (though luckily for the franchise) we are not the creators of Star Trek.**

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The good doctor sat up, rubbed his eyes, and looked around. His gaze fixed on Spock. "Thong!" he exclaimed.

"My name is Spock," said Spock, but McCoy didn't hear it. He had passed out again.

Eventually, once everything had seemingly settled for a while, Cupid sailed through the ceiling, beard, wings, and pink loincloth fluttering in the artificial wind. With his ever so perfect timing, Kirk woke up just in time to see Cupid floating down.

Kirk leaped from the bed, pulling off the electrodes. "Are-are you the dude that shot Spock?" he yelled.

Cupid replied "You could say that, but it was an accident."

And Kirk talked to Cupid for a while and found the strength to sit up. Then he decided to try and threaten Cupid with Spock's seized Spock's phazer from the floor and pointed it at the god. Cupid seemed indifferent to having a faulty phaser being pointed at his head and said to Kirk "If you shoot me, it is likely your ship will blow up."

Kirk turned to Spock, who was nodding in agreement, for confirmation. However, seeing Spock made Kirk forget all about Cupid. "Butt!" he exclaimed, and made a grab for Spock, who leaped out of the way.

"Jim, I urge you to reconsider this!" Spock pleaded.

Jim just drooled and murmured, "Bootay..."

Cupid sighed, and shot Kirk with another arrow, this one made out of steak. Kirk swallowed it. His eyes crossed, and he collapsed to the floor giggling like a child who has drunk eight cans of Coca-Cola.

Spock sighed."Do you have arrows that do anything _except_ mentally compromise the captain?" he said wearily.

Cupid then replied "It's hard; this guy's allergic to everything. The one I just hit him with is supposed to make him sleep the same amount of hours as a cat."

Spock sighed again. "I suppose it will have to suffice until you can find the old text that has the cure," he said, bending to wipe drool of Kirk's face.

"Ah! That reminds me!" exclaimed Cupid, "I found the old text I remembered and it said that the only way to completely cure a cupcake infatuation is to contact the author and take away their sugar. Though a somewhat less reliable old text stated that a potion made of a bottle of thousand year old champagne boiled with the whiskers of a cat and the tears of someone who has recently danced the hokey pokey, dripped slowly over someone's dead body would return them to normal. Good thing the crew ripped each other apart, eh?"

McCoy, of course, chose that very moment to wake up from his coma and looked around the room confused for a while before giving up and dying.

"Ah good, another stroke of luck!" said Cupid, searching through the cupboards for some thousand year old champagne, "Now we only have to kill the Captain!"

Momentarily unable to suppress his emotions, Spock gasped.

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**Will they kill Kirk? Will this Apocalypse ever end? Read on!**

**If you review mine, I can review yours in exchange! Just tell me which story you want me to read, and I'll do it. Because I love you more than McCoy likes lingerie.**


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER**** - Sadly, (though luckily for the franchise) we are not the creators of Star Trek.**

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"Kill the Captain?" repeated Spock. He stared at Kirk's wiggling, giggling form. Memories of Jim being a stupid heroic ass flashed through his head, and he felt something strange in his eyes. He touched them; they were full of tears.

"Sorry," said Cupid, as tears coursed down his rugged features too. "The fumes from this champagne are so strong they even make me cry. So, you gonna kill him?"

Spock thought for a long moment. At length, he answered, "It is forbidden for me to kill my Captain, but killing him would save his life. I cannot find any logic in this situation at all." He sat down, rested his head on Jim's squirming chest, and started to cry.

"Then we cannot cure him." Cupid declared. "He will love you forever."

Spock answered with a loud sob.

Cupid then set to work brewing the potion, magically finding exactly the supplies he needed hidden in a box in the corner labeled "In Case Of Apocalypse By Cupid". Once he had created enough of the horrible mixture, he set to work curing the dead bodies that then began to reassemble. Within the hour the crew were back and everyone was so happy that they didn't think twice about dumping all the contaminated blood, vomit and cupcakes out of the cargo bay and into space.

Seeing the crew alive and well, Spock recovered his control. Cupid shot Kirk with another cupcake arrow to get rid of the effects of the steak arrow and vanished, his precarious loincloth fluttering to the floor as a reminder of his visit. The Enterprise was all was back to normal, business as usual, with Spock getting even more attention from Kirk than he was used to.

And so peace reigned the area for several months, until an unlucky Klingon space ship happened to fly through a cloud of magic and blood floating in space...

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**...Is this the end? We will see eventually.**

**If you review mine, I can review yours in exchange! Just tell me which story you want me to read, and I'll do it. Because I love you more than Scotty loves bloodshed.**


End file.
